by Dr Joe Kort
There’s no doubt that pornography use is on the rise, and this issue is becoming more common in recent years because of its proliferation on the internet and easy, instant access. Currently, 12% of websites on the Internet are pornographic – that’s 24,644,172 adult sites.
Some statistics in the U.S. suggest that 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites and 10% of porn users admit to being addicted to pornography.
So it’s not an uncommon scenario when you discover your partner is into porn. If this happens to you, the first thing you need to tell yourself is – ‘it’s not personal.’
So many people take it personally, like many women do. They think their husband or their boyfriend’s porn is like finding him in bed with another woman, which isn’t true.
The basic facts you need to understand about habitual porn use
First of all, men have been looking at porn since the age of 11. So for many men, looking at porn is just part of their sexuality. Porn can add to a relationship – it’s complimentary – and it doesn’t take away necessarily, unless the use gets out of hand.
I’ve had people come into my therapy practice with great sex lives, but they find their spouse looking at porn and suddenly their sex life is no good. They think if you’re looking at porn, it must mean we’re not having a good sex life. This doesn’t have to be the case.
How to approach the topic of porn with your partner
A lot of men will lie when they are discovered and they’ll say, “okay, okay I’m sorry I’m sorry. I will never do it again.” They mean this in the moment and of course it doesn’t last and they do it again. This is often worse than just being honest about their porn use.
The language you use when discussing this with your partner is really important. Make sure you take ownership for your feelings such as, “you know, I found this is bringing up [insert feeling/issue/reaction] for me.”
A lot of people will judge their partner when they first find out, so try not to judge. Use assertive language and take ownership of your reactions without blaming, criticising or judging. Be careful not to make assumptions about your partner before you check them out.
Remember, what people look at in their porn is not reflective of what they want to necessarily do. Porn is a fantasy life and like most fantasies, they aren’t acted upon.
For some people who discover their partner is using porn, it’s an opportunity to discuss mutual fantasies. This can also be an opportunity to understand why your partner likes this – from a position of health.
Let’s say a partner likes watching bondage, like BDSM. You might find out as a kid they have had spankings and so they’ve eroticized something, maybe something from their childhood.
It doesn’t mean it’s bad, but hearing this can help you develop more compassion, like “oh you’re into this because its happened to you in your childhood and you’ve turned it into something sexual.”
How to deal with feelings of insecurity, betrayal, and rejection
Some women may feel insecurity, betrayal, and rejection when they come across their partner watching porn. If this happens, it’s important to talk about it.
The partner who’s using the porn has to have empathy for the other partner to understand her feelings are real and while it may not make sense or be true, it is how she feels.
Then the partner who has discovered the porn needs to tell him if thoughts or feelings are coming up like, “I’m not feeling special enough, I’m not feeling pretty enough, I’m not feeling wanted enough,” and the task for the other partner is to make her feel special, pretty or wanted. They need to talk about how to make that happen together.
Should you watch the porn with your partner?
You can watch porn together, but if you have private porn that you like to watch I never recommend bringing the partner into that. It can be very upsetting, the partner may not like it and it can really cause more problems than do any good.
If you get stuck, seek therapy
If you can’t get past taking the porn use personally, or it opens up other relationship issues, it can be very beneficial to attend couples therapy to address the issues together. A qualified couples therapist can help you get to the deeper issues and assist you in reigniting your connection, safety and security in your relationship.
About Dr Joe Kort
Dr Joe Kort is a Psychotherapist, coach and author based in Detroit, Michigan who has been in practice since 1985. He specialises in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy, as well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy. Dr Kort is also a Board Certified Sexologist specialising in sex therapy and sexual identity. He is also a AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor and offers workshops for couples and singles. He runs a gay men’s group therapy and a men’s sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and gay men who are struggling with specific sexual issues. Dr Kort’s practice is mixed with straight, gay, lesbian and bi-attractional individuals and couples. His websites include www.joekort.com and www.straightguise.com
